I​ had a plan. Lots of writing. Teaching some weeklong online summer camps for reading and writing. More writing. It was going to be great! But it turns out my summer was not at all what I had planned.

When I originally planned to write this post, my title was Two Funerals and a Wedding. Sadly, more heartbreak required a title change. And, if you subscribe to my newsletter (if you don’t yet, why not? Scroll down to the bottom of this post and make it happen!), I’ve shared some of that heartbreaking news with you there.

And sometimes life is like that, so I won’t spend any more time lamenting the time spent outside of my neatly-scheduled activities. I was where I needed to be, even if it wasn’t at all what I expected.

T​hat’s not what this post is about.

Universal Truths

I​ wanted to share my thoughts about two universal truths that I came to see amidst the emotions of my unexpected summer.

The first truth is this: when people are going through major life-changing experiences, they forget that the rest of the world is still going. Did you know that in Houston when Hurricane Harvey hit, millions of people went about a week not knowing what day it was? It’s true. Everybody kept saying, “What day is it?” It’s hard to believe that anybody else could still be doing mundane things like going to work, doing laundry, buying groceries, or cleaning bathrooms when something so BIG is going on. The same holds true with major life events like a death of a family member or dear friend, a wedding, the birth of a child, a miscarriage, a once-in-a-lifetime vacation, a divorce, an accident, a major celebration, a hospitalization, etc. Those who are involved in these types of events forget that for the rest of the population, the earth is still orbiting the sun and turning on an axis. Because for those people—whether in bliss or grief—their worlds have stopped.

S​o what?

I​ think this truth is important for everyone to remember. Let me give you a few completely nonjudgmental examples from my own summer to help illustrate this.

Our niece got married this summer. It was out of state, so her family and our family and many other families traveled from all over the country to be in attendance. To her, the world stood still. Just a few days before the wedding, one of her aunts was supposed to come take family photos of my sister-in-law’s family. It was carefully scheduled for the afternoon because that evening was to be my niece’s bridal shower. But the aunt forgot. She was hours away when my sister-in-law’s family was ready and waiting for the photo session to begin. My niece was distraught and asked aloud, “How could she forget?”

I​n July, my father-in-law passed away. We left town in a hurry to arrive in his hospital room before they took him off of life support so we could all say our goodbyes. The funeral followed the next week. It was an emotional, all-consuming week. A dear friend had read my blog post about our leaky pipe and she reached out to me wanting to help me coordinate the repair while we were out of town. I was slow to respond. I couldn’t deal with something so seemingly insignificant as a home repair when we had so many funeral things to deal with instead. I just couldn’t handle it that week. I should mention that we had already reduced the leak down to moisture, no dripping, and had fans going on the wall the entire time we were gone. I finally texted my friend back and hopefully she knows how very grateful I was that she had thought of me and wanted to help me. I just couldn’t even wrap my head around it that week. We scheduled the plumber to come out the following week. And in case you were wondering, the pipe was replaced and the wall has been repaired. All is well.

Just Remember

The next time you are in the midst of a major life event, it might do you some good to keep in mind that the world hasn’t stopped for everybody else. They still have everyday, hectic, chaotic lives to deal with. They still get flat tires, wait in carpool lines, and go to dentist appointments. They haven’t been struck by the same meteor that you have. And that is OK. The mail still has to be delivered. Somebody still has to put gas in the car. Just because someone else’s world didn’t completely stop when yours did, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

And the next time someone you know and/or love is going through a major life event, it might do you some good to keep in mind that their world has stopped. They will probably not be able to answer questions like, “What can I do for you?“ or “What do you need?” Instead, offer your help and do not be offended if they can’t currently handle it right then. Sometimes just the offer means the world. And when that person’s world starts to move again, don’t expect her to resume the same pace right away. Everyone takes a different amount of time to get back into a regular orbit. Offer a meal or come with cleaning supplies and check something off of her list for her. Don’t give too many options. Most times, when in a major life event, people are not able to focus on much else. Be thoughtful in your words and actions. Add an extra dose of patience. Even a listening ear or just showing up are enough.

Truth #2

Often, when people are around other people who are going through major life events, they relive similar experiences they may have had in their own lives. When we were in the hospital saying our farewells to my father-in-law, I kept feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I was, of course, sad in the moment, but my grief was compounded with memories of saying goodbye to my own stepfather and my grandfather. I wanted out of that hospital room!

And sitting at a wedding ceremony or reception always takes me back to my own wedding day and subsequent wedding receptions. I think that is why so many wedding receptions have dancing, so other reminiscing couples have opportunities to relive their special days.

How Did You Feel?

I​f you have been through a major life event, I encourage you to remember how you felt. Not just the happy/sad stuff. Remember your state of mind. Do you remember what was going on in the news that day? Probably not. Do you remember what you ate for breakfast? Did you even eat breakfast? Remembering your state of mind will help you be a better support to someone else going through something major, whether celebratory or heartbreaking.

And if you are in the midst of something huge right now, record how you feel. Let yourself feel. Be vulnerable. It’s OK. Don’t push those emotions down and try to ignore them. They won’t last forever. And knowing how you feel will help you be a support to someone else in the future. In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown wisely counseled, “…regardless of our willingness to do vulnerability, it does us. When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.”

Remembering these two truths and applying them in the grace that we give ourselves and others will change the game. It will add more joy to our lives and to the lives of those around us. And isn’t that why we’re here?

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