Ten Lessons Learned in Our First Ten Years of Parenting

This time 10 years ago I was in the hospital. I shared that adventure here if you need a refresher. And now, our house has seven people living under its roof: five of which are our children! Sometimes I have to say it out loud because it doesn’t seem real. Yes, we have five children. And every day is a day of learning—and often painful growth. I recognize my own weaknesses and shortcomings daily as I try to guide these five amazing creatures into their futures.

Before I share 10 things I have learned with you, I have to include a disclaimer: I am not a perfect mother. I actually don’t believe such a thing exists. Because there are no perfect people. We are all fallible human beings with our own limits and challenges. So, too, our children have limits and challenges of their own. This makes every parenting experience varied. I hope my 10 help you see some of your own experiences and consider some of the things you have learned wherever you are on your own journey.

1-I am their main advocate.

When our twins were born 10 weeks premature, they spent the first two months of their lives in the NICU. The night before they were to be sent home with us, we had the opportunity to spend their last night in the hospital in a room with them so that we could adjust to their schedules, feel a bit more comfortable with the new monitors that they would come home wearing, and still have the help of the nurses right down the hall. It was a great idea. In theory.

The problem arose when my husband realized he had forgotten to take allergy medicine that morning and was suffering from intense allergy symptoms courtesy of the beautiful Spring weather outside. He asked his mom to bring his allergy pills from our house when she came to visit at the hospital. Instead of bringing Allegra or Zyrtec, she brought him 2 Benadryls! And because my husband was so miserable, he took them. And fell asleep. He was a lump of drowsy incoherence the whole night. We still jokingly recall the number of times I growled through gritted teeth at him to “GET UP.” It wasn’t pretty.

Weeks earlier I had optimistically scheduled a first pediatric appointment with what would be the twins’ pediatrician. Little did I know that it would be on the day following our first night at home with our little babies. After that grueling night in the hospital and a sleepless night at home, we were exhausted! I brought all of their paperwork (They were two packets each about the thickness of phone books), the medicines they were discharged on, their monitors—of course—, and diapers and changes of clothes and bottles and pacifiers at the ready in case either got fussy.

As we stood there in the pediatrician’s office going over all of the follow-up appointments I hadn’t yet scheduled and the routines I hadn’t yet mastered, the pediatrician stopped and looked up at me and stated, “You have got to get it together!” I am sure he said something more, but this was all I remember. And instead of being offended, I was instantly brought back to reality. He was right. In the NICU, the twins had neonatologists examining them daily. They had nurses attending to their every need. But now all of those responsibilities fell to me. This was my full-time job. My husband would help when he came home, but during the day it was all me. And seeing as how I’d begged for this opportunity, I was going to give it all I had.

The more I thought about that then and in the decade since, the more I have come to realize that this is my role. I am their advocate. The one in their corner, helping them through all of their challenges and encouraging them to keep going.

2-No two children are even remotely the same.

I had twins first, so though I’d never know what it was like to have one child, I had the unique opportunity to see two very individual humans develop on their own timetables. I instantly learned that every baby is born with a different personality. Our twins looked nothing alike. Some people who passed by their incubators were surprised to learn they were brothers! They tell me that is still true in 4th grade.

When we had our fourth son, we felt a little more confident in our parenting skills. After all, we’d survived 2 months in the NICU, and 15 months after twins were born we welcomed a healthy singleton into the mix just as our twins were starting to learn to walk. But he was quick to remind us that he was NOT a duplicate of anyone else. He was his own person and would bring us new challenges we’d never seen with any of our others. He was our first to have a major food allergy. Our first to catch RSV. And most recently, our first to get a cavity.

3-Favorite things don’t stay favorites forever.

When our twins were still in the NICU, we decided we should color-code their things so we could easily tell whose was whose. We continued the system into each child so when we saw an orange cup, we knew who it belonged to immediately. These were our kids’ first “favorite colors.” And for a while, we took that for granted. Then I started overhearing their conversations and realized that they were discussing their favorite colors. I listened. I learned that their favorites had changed. I thought about how often my favorite things change as I learn about new things and have new experiences and I realized (with a palm to my forehead) that —of course—my children wouldn’t be any different. They have since changed their favorite colors, favorite songs, favorite TV shows, favorite books, favorite foods, favorite cars, favorite toys, favorite sports, favorite shirts, favorite animals, and favorite blankets many times. Sometimes it seems like one boy changes his favorite animal and/or car every day and then quizzes me to see if I know. I usually don’t since he has changed again without telling me, but I learn!

This includes future careers and interests. I have changed the way I word these questions in our conversations to let them know that it is OK if they change their minds later. I ask more about what they’ve been thinking about lately and what they think they might like to do with those interests.

Allowing my kids to change and grow and become more comfortable in who they are is a big part of what I consider to be my job description. I love being able to watch and admire who they are becoming.

4-Nobody really knows what they are doing.

Because of item #2 above, no one is an expert of all children. No one. No one else has ever parented my five kiddos before and your children are unique to you. This means that we can’t compare ourselves to other parents because we are not comparing apples to apples. We just can’t go there. What we can do is listen to the experiences and advice of others and then if it resonates with us, we can tweak it to work for our children, keeping in mind that what works for one or two of your children may not work for all of them. On the flip side, I cannot prescribe solutions for your children because I am not their mother. I am still struggling to figure out what to do for my little cherubs. I can’t—for even a moment—think that my limited knowledge is enough to solve all of your parenting woes. What I can do is share what’s worked for us and support you as you try to figure out what works for you. It may or may not be the same solution—no judgement here.

5-Less is more.

I’ve said this so much through the years that my little kindergartener got confused about what the real meaning of “more” was. Fewer toys means more space to play. Fewer clothes means more time not folding laundry and more space in your closet (Or, in my experience, it means enabling you to move your smaller wardrobe into your hubby’s closet so you can convert your closet into a small office). Fewer activities means more time at home together instead of sitting in traffic. Fewer expenses means more freedom with your money. I grew up not having much yet I never felt bored. I am a firm believer that the less we provide to “entertain” our children, the more they use their imaginations and develop creativity. The less you do when they are little to solve their problems for them and entertain them, the more capable they will become.

6-Read regularly.

I’ve regretted a few shows/movies we let slip through the cracks, but I’ve never regretted a book we’ve read together. I shared some here, here, and here. I love the conversations we have had based on books we’ve read together. I love the inside jokes we have and the love of reading they continue to maintain because of those minutes invested in reading every day.

7-Encourage journaling.

I have four boys. In general, young boys do not particularly enjoy writing. They are wired to be more active. And mine sure are. But being the English teacher that I am, I have encouraged them to journal on occasion, usually during Spring/Summer Break, but sometimes I surprise myself with clarity and find myself encouraging them to journal during those big occasions. Our kids’ Hurricane Harvey journals are treasures. Since we had days of staying inside while torrential rains poured all around us, we spent time decorating the outside, then writing inside each day. Looking back at them now, even though it has only been a little over a year, helps us process something so huge it was almost surreal.

8-No one can successfully parent alone.

It really does take a village. We need each other. When I was pregnant with child #3 and still nursing my twins, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I was so grateful a nearby homeschooling mom sent her teenage daughter over to our home each Wednesday to give me a chance to do some work around the house. At first I felt pangs of guilt that I wasn’t in the nursery with them playing or reading. But then I realized that my kids were not suffering. They had someone there who loved them and who genuinely enjoyed being there with them. I could step away for an hour or two to get a few things done without feeling guilty.

Through the years I have been blessed with wonderful friends who have looked out for me when I am too overwhelmed to even think to ask for help. They have given me meals, stopped by unexpectedly, or invited me to their homes. It is so important to remember that we are not alone. In the past decade I have come to recognize that when I start to feel small and unimportant and generally like a big failure of a mom, it’s because I have spent too many days in the thick of it all without connecting with a friend.

We also need occasional breaks. I cringe even typing that because I had heard it MANY times before, but it never resonated with me. It always felt wrong. But we celebrated our 15th anniversary last year and spent a few days in San Diego. I felt guilty about the whole thing up until we stepped out of the plane and into the San Diego airport. It was the vacation we didn’t realize we needed. Our kids were at home with both of our moms and we had a few days to reconnect without worrying about homework and lunches and fighting and laundry and dishes and taking out the trash. It was glorious. We aren’t planning to do these trips ALL THE TIME, but we now recognize how much good it did for our relationship and for our well-being to take those few days away. We could never have done that without our amazing mothers.

9-Traditions Build Unity.

I’ve written about the importance of traditions for building unity before. But I definitely count this as one of our most important lessons. Some of my favorite traditions are:

Bedtime “secret”.

Each night before I leave each child’s room, I lean in close and whisper my “secret.” It is usually the same three things, but sometimes I add a little something extra if they did something extraordinary that day. For example, “You are doing so great at reading!” Or “Thank you for helping your brother clean up today.” My secret is my secret, and my kids like that nobody outside of our family knows it. But let’s just say it is full of affirmations like “I am so glad you are a part of our family” and “There is nobody the same awesome as you” and “I love you.” You know, that sort of thing.

Best and Worst

Each night at dinner, we sit together and the child whose day it is begins. He shares what his bests and worsts from the day were. Sometimes we get a play-by-play of the recess football game and other times we hear about backyard shenanigans. But I love this opportunity to hear my children expound on the highs and lows of their days.

Birthday traditions

We love birthdays! We don’t do big parties every year. Those are reserved for 1, 8, 12, and 16. But each year is still full of fun traditions that keep us all looking forward to them. Birthday children get to choose all three meals for the day. They also get to choose the treat we bring to their classroom. If their birthdays are on school days, we come to the school to eat lunch with them and bring their chosen meals. They choose the type of cake/cupcakes they want, too, and we usually blow out candles after a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday to You” complete with “cha-cha-chas” throughout. They get a few presents from family members in the evening and then at bedtime, we read On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman.

Cleaning

Traditions don’t always have to be “fun” or “extra.” Cleaning has to be done, right? So why not turn it into a tradition? Each night after dinner, the child whose day it is gets to choose first and all cleaning jobs get chosen daily. This typically means the easiest job gets picked first and the last person is usually stuck with sweeping the kitchen floor–though not always, surprisingly. But since it rotates daily, it usually isn’t a big deal. Usually. You know, kids are kids.

Saturdays are a bit more intense. We have a longer list of cleaning tasks. We rotate through a list until every job has been assigned. We finish up by cleaning the kitchen floor together. We each get a wet rag and then we set the timer. Our goal is to beat our previous week’s record. Sometimes we don’t make it in time, but usually we average about 6 minutes to get the kitchen floor good and clean.

10-It really does go fast.

I know that sleepless nights and mountainous laundry piles are discouraging and quickly move to disparaging. But it is not forever. None of it is. Things change. Yes, mothering young children is exhausting and often thankless (in the typical sense), but it is not permanent. This has been a sanity saving mantra of mine for the past decade. I can endure almost anything when I remember that it’s temporary. Those sleepless nights with a teething child? Done. Separation anxiety? Lessening. Potty Training? Check, check, and triple check. They seem never-ending in the moment, but they, too, shall pass.

Though the past decade has not been easy, I can honestly say that I know it has been worth it. I look forward to sharing another decade of lessons with you in 10 more years. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing the best I can at this mothering gig, one moment at a time. I hope this brings you joy and gives you the strength to do the same.