A few days ago, my little girl (she’s 3-and-a-half) came over to me at the park and said in a voice full of despair, “Ellie* doesn’t want to play with me!”

Now, before you go and feel sorry for my little angel, let me explain some things. My daughter and Ellie play together almost every weekday. Ellie’s mom typically walks with me at the park after we drop our kids off at school. Ellie loves to play with my daughter and my daughter loves to play with Ellie. This day was no exception.

The thing of it was, they are remodeling the playground where the girls typically play after us moms finish our walk. It’s all gated off. Lately we have just walked over to “the fishies,” then let them run around a little before we leave. But this day we walked a little extra and took the girls to another park nearby. This park is super fun. It’s always been at the top of my kids’ list. But it was not the comfortable tradition my daughter was used to.

So because she was nervous and a bit out of her comfort zone, she was hyper-sensitive. It happens, right?

OK, so back to the super fun park. I assured my daughter that Ellie wanted to play with her and I encouraged her to go play. A few minutes later, “Mom, Ellie doesn’t want to play with me!” came again. I asked her why she thought that. She said, “Because she keeps walking away!” I tried to assure her that Ellie was walking toward the playground, hoping my daughter would follow. I told her to go play with Ellie. She played for a few minutes.

But then came the third visit and the third, “Mom, Ellie doesn’t want to play with me.” So I asked her again why she thought that Ellie didn’t want to play with her. This time she said that Ellie had gone off to play with a little boy we didn’t know.

I told her that was OK.

I even sang the Daniel Tiger song, “Even when friends play with someone new, they will still be friends with you.”

Nope. She wasn’t having it.

She had a meltdown. Right then and there. It wasn’t pretty. She scream-cried all the way from the playground back to the other parking lot. I am sure at least a few on-lookers were watching to make sure she wasn’t being kidnapped. Because we had a distance to cover and there was no way to carry on a conversation with anyone on the walk back with all that scream-crying going on, I started thinking.

And you know what?

I realized that even if my stories don’t end with me throwing a tantrum in my stroller, they are very similar.

I thought back to nearly 15 years ago. My husband and I had been married for about a year and suddenly we had some major changes: I had a new job, we had a new apartment, and a new church congregation. I remember coming home from church those first few Sundays utterly discouraged. I cried to my husband in despair, “Nobody spoke to me! Nobody wants to be my friend!”

And my patient, loving husband’s response was not the sympathy I was looking for. Instead he asked, “Well, did you speak to anybody?” I am sure I rolled my eyes.

“But I’m the one who is new! They should reach out and make me feel welcome!”

I wallowed in self-pity for a few more Sundays. Then finally, I changed my resolve. I went to an activity for our church’s women’s group. Everyone there was a young, newly married woman. I was in a room full of potential friends and I finally chose to see it that way! I smiled at each person who made eye contact with me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and joined in some conversations. A new girl had just moved in, so I went to her and introduced myself.

And do you know what?

Everyone else felt just like I did. They were lonely and thought nobody wanted to be their friend. I made some great friendships while we lived there. I am still in touch with many of those women to this day.

I wish I could say that I’ve perfected this skill through the years, but I will openly admit that I am still working on it.

Last fall I attended a writing conference alone. I was so scared to go by myself! I didn’t know what to expect since it was my first time going and I had scheduled two critiques and they made me even more nervous! When I arrived, my first instinct was to slink in a corner somewhere and sit alone. I have gotten really good at not being noticed through the years. Sometimes, too good, if I’m being honest.

But then I remembered the experience of 15 years earlier and the many experiences I’ve had since.

I looked around the room for a table with an empty seat. I walked right up to a table near the middle of the room and asked if the seat was taken. The woman beside the empty chair in question looked up. She smiled and told me it wasn’t taken and she invited me to sit down. We became instant friends. Most of our table did, in fact. We hung out throughout the day and several of us even stayed for the dinner and sat together! I had a great time. I am so glad I didn’t slink away into invisibility!

I doubt I would have felt as at ease if I had relinquished myself to the corner. I would have felt obligated to maintain that anti-social facade the whole day.

Don’t get me wrong: sometimes I am intentionally anti-social. I am not a follow-the-crowd-no-matter-what kinda gal. I even appreciate moments of solitude regularly. I rate close to 50/50 introvert/extrovert on the Enneagram every time. But even though I need time to be alone and recharge, I am also extremely grateful for strong, supportive friends.

Just like my little girl, I know I am more prone to over-analyze a situation or believe that “Ellie doesn’t want to play with me” when I am stressed or in new or uncomfortable situations. But just like the old GI Joe motto: “Knowing is half the battle.”

Knowing my tendencies, I can stop myself from irrational behaviors and preserve friendships without sending friends on potential rollercoasters. When I start to feel like nobody wants to be my friend or I read-in to other people’s actions and draw conclusions about what they think about me (even though I probably shouldn’t care…), I try to remind myself of that crucial piece of knowledge. I try to stop and ask myself, “Am I really stressed right now?” and “Are there some new and uncomfortable situations behind these feelings?”

I can silence that scream-cry in my head and heart and recognize that maybe Ellie did want to play with me and maybe I just misread the situation.

I don’t know if your triggers will be the same as mine, but I have no doubt you have triggers. I do know we need each other. Introvert, extrovert, or a 50/50 mess like me, we all need each other. We need to be strong, supportive women and we need to band with other strong, supportive women. If you have been feeling lonely or unlikeable, I hope this will inspire you to recognize that everyone goes through seasons like that. I hope you will realize how amazing and likeable–and even loveable–you really are.

*Ellie is not the friend’s real name. Just giving an innocent little girl her privacy! 🙂

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