Believe it or not, it happens to us all. We drop the ball. We mess up. It is a part of the human experience. And it is not fun.
Let’s Pause for a Definition
Just so we’re all on the same page here, the expression “to drop the ball” means to make a mistake, miss an opportunity, or to fail. There is typically a great deal of shame or guilt accompanying the realization of the mistake/missed opportunity/failure.
What that Might Look Like
You go out to dinner with a friend and eat a delicious meal and dessert. Later, you exclaim, “Well, my diet’s blown. I might as well give up!”
After committing to help with a PTO project, your kids get the flu and you forget to go to the next meeting. You feel embarrassed that you didn’t keep your commitment and stop attending PTO meetings altogether.
At an important meeting at work, you bring up a passion project that you volunteer spearheading. After several months, a miscommunication occurs and you miss an important deadline. Though you’ve always loved your job, you seriously consider quitting out of deep shame and embarrassment.
You offer to help a friend in need, then the week gets overwhelming and you completely forget. You feel horrible and wonder if you can avoid her for the rest of your lives.
As a family, you come up with a financial plan to get out of debt. You follow the plan for the first few months, maintaining a budget and tracking your expenses. Then your TV stops working and in a moment of weakness, you splurge on a top-of-the-line model you really can’t afford (so you put it on your credit card). You feel so bad about your decision that you give up on the budget and financial plan and end up upgrading your cable package instead. You feel guilty every time you turn on your TV.
With the new year approaching, you decide you will go back to church. You attend in December to warm up to the idea. You plan to attend that first week of January. But something comes up and you can’t. The second week one of your kids gets sick. When the third week rolls around, you think, “I’ve already missed two weeks, what’s the point?” You start to believe God doesn’t want you to go to church. You question your worthiness and doubt your own worth.
What They All Have in Common
In these examples and in every single real-life example you may be thinking of right now, the biggest thing they have in common is that false voice of “reason” that comes into our minds. This negative voice convinces us that we have to be all or nothing. We have to be perfect or we might as well not even try. And we know that is ridiculous, right? Until we are in the middle of one of these situations, then suddenly we choose to listen and believe.
In the world of debate (or for English teachers who teach about writing argumentative paragraphs *ahem), this is a logical fallacy called a false dilemma. We unreasonably limit our options to two: either I do this perfectly, or not at all. The false dilemma is a manipulative tool that is used often in politics (and parenting–I have to admit, I use this a LOT with my kids: either you sit in the kitchen chair or I’ll buckle you into your high chair…). But in reality, there are countless alternatives. When we limit ourselves to two, debilitating choices, we are essentially placing ourselves in a maze with no solution.
So What Can We Do?
First, we can recognize our false dilemma for what it truly is: false. This line of thinking stems from perfectionism. In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown talks about this false armor of perfectionism:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”
Sound familiar?
Last November, a friend reached out to me on Facebook Messenger and asked me if I could help her pack up her things as she was preparing to move across the country. Her marriage was crumbling, she was in a very vulnerable state, and I really wanted to help her. I responded that I would love to help and that I would check with my mother-in-law who was going to be in town all week to see if there was a time when she could stay at our house with our little girl so I could go help. I told her I’d message her the next day. But the next day, my father-in-law ended up in the emergency room and my mother-in-law left town in a hurry.
A week passed and I realized that in all the craziness of the week, I had never reached out to my friend. I felt horrible. For the next week, I wondered if she had already finished packing and if she had already left town. I felt so guilty. I mean, like
I was reading Brene Brown’s book for the Houston Mom’s Blog Book Club in the midst of all this guilt. I can’t even find the exact passage that stood out to me, but I started to recognize that I was holding on to the “shield” of perfectionism. And it wasn’t doing me any favors. I was stuck thinking that since I dropped the ball on helping my friend, I would have to avoid her for the foreseeable future and I would blame myself for any struggles she was going
Newsflash: I was wrong.
Since I was reading this book and I recognized that I would feel so much better if I would just reach out to this friend, apologize for dropping the ball, and see if I could still offer any help. So I did. Within an hour, this friend replied to my message telling me she had 12 days left to finish packing and we scheduled a day that I would come by and help her. Instead of a lifetime of guilt, I was able to resolve the issue, and I wasn’t too late to still be helpful! It was so much better than a lifetime of guilt and regret!
Gretchen Rubin addressed the idea of managing perfectionism:
“I remind myself, ‘Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.’ (Cribbed from Voltaire.) A twenty-minute walk that I do is better than the four-mile run that I don’t do. The imperfect book that gets published is better than the perfect book that never leaves my computer. The dinner party of take-out Chinese food is better than the elegant dinner that I never host.”
Listen
If you are listening to the false dilemma created by the negative voice inside your head, it is time to recognize it for what it is and find something else to listen to instead. When I reached out to my friend, my message ended with, “I am so sorry to let you down. I feel like the world’s biggest jerk.” I felt so horrible.
My friend’s reply was so kind: “No worries. Don’t put yourself down! You are an amazing person….” I didn’t feel like an amazing person. I felt like someone who had dropped the ball on someone in their time of need. I honestly felt like a big jerk.
Brene Brown mentions that an effective way she resists shame is to “Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I’m trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown.”
Because We All Need Sports Analogies
As a coach’s wife–and the mother to four sports-loving boys and one already athletic little girl–I couldn’t help but imagine what I would say to one of my own kids (or any other child) after he or she literally dropped a ball. You may want to consider preemptively writing a pep talk of your very own. But in the meantime, feel free to use one of mine.
After all, literally dropping the ball during a game or match (basketball, football, softball, baseball, rugby, lacrosse, etc.) is a HUGE momentum killer. It can be heartbreaking and personally defeating, but perspective helps us see that we can’t give up. We have a game to play and a team to support. The same is true in our lives when we drop the proverbial ball.
As a Mother: To My Son Who Dropped a Perfect Pass
Son, I know you just dropped a pass that came right to you and would have made it impossible for the other team to come back. I’m sure you feel like you’ve let your entire team–and all of the fans–down. But the game isn’t over. You still have the whole fourth quarter. Get up! When you get back out on that field, focus on the new play and be ready. You may get an opportunity to catch another pass, and you may not. But either way, you get out there and you give it everything you’ve got. When the game is over, win or lose, you will feel better knowing you did your very best.
You can continue this from multiple perspectives, too.
As a Coach: To a Player Who Dropped the Ball
Look, you dropped the ball, the other team recovered and rushed it back down the court for a crushing three-pointer. It happened. Now we gotta get back in this game. And we need you. We need you to get out on that court and do what you do best. Mistakes happen. Michael Jordan himself said, “I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” Let’s get back out there. Stick to the fundamentals. Now get back out on the court and let’s win this game!
As a Fan: To the Team
Guys, you’ve got this! Yes, you just had a soul-crushing missed throw. Yes, the other team capitalized on that by scoring three runs. Yes, that momentum helped their next hitter knock it out of the park. But the game isn’t over! We’re only in the second inning! You’ve been up against tougher opponents and worse odds. Don’t let this get you down! I’m still cheering for you. Get out there and take the game back.
As a Team Captain: To Your Teammates
It’s halftime. Yes, the other team has managed to shut us out and after we dropped the ball, they capitalized on our mistakes and scored three unanswered touchdowns. It hurts. But it’s halftime. We have the second half left to go out there and turn this game around. We aren’t finished yet! We have got to work together. We can do this!
Write Your Own
Choose a perspective and write your own pep talk. Then, the next time you drop the ball, let your pep talk be the voice you choose to listen to instead of the negative voice that perpetuates false dilemmas. You are not a failure. You do not need to give up and throw in the towel because you made a mistake. Will you need to summon more energy to push through? Yes. Will you face some opposition? Yup. Will you be glad you got back up and gave it your best effort? Absolutely. So call yourself a time-out, sit yourself down on that bench, and give yourself a good talking to. Then get up and get back in the game. It isn’t over yet!
SO Awesome! Thanks for letting me glean from your pep talk examples, now I am off to write my own 🙂
Thanks, Crina! Yours will be even better than mine!