I am chronically independent. To a fault. My hands can be full, my body about to topple over at any moment. yet if someone offers anything that remotely resembles help, my mouth is automatically saying, “No thanks, I’m OK,” before my brain has even processed what the kind person is saying. Why do I do that?
I recently led a discussion with an incredible group of women and came to the conclusion that I am not alone in this inability to accept help, regardless of how badly I need it. One of the things that kept coming to my mind was this simple concept. I believe in God. I believe that He is all-powerful and all-knowing. I believe that He has the power to create individual planets for each and every one of us. But He didn’t. On purpose. He wasn’t being lazy to put us all here on this same planet. In fact, I believe He was even intentional about when and where He placed us on our shared planet. We are here–together–for very real and specific reasons.
As an introduction to our discussion, I shared pictures of different animals: fish, birds, elephants, mustangs, wolves, lions, giraffes, butterflies, wildebeasts, penguins, cows, and sheep. All of these animals thrive in groups. They vary in size and habitat, but their need for each other remains.
Then I shared a photo of a grove of trees. Henry D. Taylor shares this:
And so it is with us. If we truly want to be the best that we can be, we cannot do it alone. We need each other.
To Thine Own Self Be True
I have heard the age-old argument from Shakespeare himself:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Sure, the concept of being true to yourself is absolutely valid. But we are forgetting the rest of the advice. “Thou canst not then be false to any man [or woman].” We must not only be true to ourselves, but true to one another.
And the truth is, we are stronger, happier, and better when we give and receive help among each other. John Whittier penned one of those timeless gems of wisdom when he wrote:
Thee lift me, and I’ll lift thee
And we’ll both ascend together.
I know that there are major reasons we fear reaching out to and relying on others. And those reasons are often real and slightly paralyzing.
They All Stem From Fear.
Often we are afraid that if we put ourselves out there, and share our vulnerabilities with others, our hearts will be broken as a result. And that fear of a potential broken heart paralyzes us into inaction. When I was trying to decide if I wanted to date a certain boy in college more seriously, I pictured the possibility of our relationship coming to an end. I decided that we had such a great time together that even if it ended in heartbreak, it would be worth it in the end. I moved forward. Nearly 18 years later, I do not regret that decision for one minute as we continue living and loving one another side-by-side. I would never know such joy if I hadn’t consciously decided to open my heart in the first place.
But it doesn’t always work out that way, does it? I have given my all to friends who have moved on anyway. It hurts. I have trusted people who turned out to not be who I thought they were.
A Current Example
Within the past hour I have received two messages from two different friends. The first was a request for me to help her get her kids safely to someone who would be picking them up from school. I quickly replied that I’d be happy to help. The second was from a friend I was counting on this weekend who forgot to tell me she wasn’t going to be there after all. I was crushed. I sent back a nice “Oh! OK. Have a great weekend…” sort of message and then took a minute to cry. I was really counting on her. But do you want to know what I did next? I reached out to a couple friends. I told them of my situation and how bummed out I was. I told them I was nervous and asked them to pray for me. And those friends were reassuring and supportive. One friend (my husband) even brought me a pantry-size container of Peanut M&Ms!
Sometimes people will disappoint us and hurt us. Sometimes it will be accidental and sometimes it will be intentional. This does not negate the importance of reciprocal friendship, support, and companionship. In her book Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott is introspectively considering her innate reaction to life’s challenges when she observes,
“… I automatically think that closing down is safe, but …really staying open and loving is safer, because then we’re connected to all that life and love.”
Marjorie P. Hinckley was one of those women who lit up a room with her humble love. I own a couple books that contain her writings and each time I read them, my heart smiles. In her nineties she wisely said,
“Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young. And, hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old. It is a sociological fact that women need women. We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other.” As someone who is not quite “young” anymore and not quite “old” yet (depending on who you ask…), I see the wisdom in these words. I wish I would have started trying to apply it earlier in my life.
My dear friends, please never remain in loneliness. You are not alone. You were never meant to be alone. Reach out. Give help. Accept help. Together we will experience greater joy than we ever could alone. Don’t deny yourself joy because of fear.
