Before I had kids, I read this great article in a parenting magazine, though now I can’t remember which magazine it was. Anyhow, the author of the article shared all about how she potty-trained her child by spending a few days letting her run around outside with no pants on. She let her child see and experience exactly what happens when nature calls and the author said that by the end of the weekend, her child was ready to use the potty and never had any accidents (at least the way I remember it). I thought this sounded highly logical and I remember thinking to myself, “This is a brilliant idea! I am going to do this with my kids and they will instantly recognize those sensations that come from needing to go potty and the whole potty-training thing will be a simple weekend of playing outside.”
Fast forward a few years until I have my own kids—twins. When my twins were ready (with my kids, this is when they are stripping off their diapers and refusing to keep them on–they’ve all done it!) to potty train, we had already been blessed with baby boy #3. Though that article, I am sure, came to my mind at some point during our potty-training adventure, I never tried it. It just wasn’t what my kids needed. That’s a pretty bold statement, right? But I can and must make it because I am their mother–and you need to make the same calls with your own children. No judging!
So as I share some thoughts and insights into the emotional battle of wills that goes by the alias of “potty training,” I want you to remember that every child is different. Even my twins responded at different times to different things. Every child* will get it eventually, but not typically in a weekend (though some mothers that I have spoken with have had such miracles in their lives…). (If you are potty training a child with special needs, I want you to know that I am sensitive to the fact that your child may progress at a different rate–I still recommend the suggestions below: they can be tailored to your child’s individual needs. Keep the faith, Super-Mom!)
1—This is your full-time job for the duration. Clear your calendar. Don’t make travel plans or any other plans that will interfere. The key to potty-training (as is true with so many aspects of parenting) is consistency. To introduce your child to the potty, you will need to put all of your focus and effort on trying to set your child up for success. Extra long waits or additional stress will only make this more difficult for your sweet baby, soon-to-be “big boy” or “big girl” (in our house that is the rite of passage for moving from baby to “big boy”: you can use the potty all by yourself). So plan accordingly. If you work outside of the home, you may have to make arrangements with the person/people who care for your child during the day. Make sure that they are consistent and on the same page as you. If you don’t think they will honor your requests, you may want to take some time off or start over a LONG weekend or holiday.
2-Even though you want to acknowledge successes both big and small, you do not want to go overboard in your celebrations. This will often cause anxiety for your child as he will want to succeed every time and may or may not be able to do so yet. Remember: practice is another word for training. This is potty practice. Even bench warmers may sink an awesome three-point shot (or hit a homerun) at practice, but if they didn’t pay attention to their technique and all that went into making that amazing shot (or hit), chances are not good that they will be able to replicate that during a game.
Many mothers have had success with offering some small “prize” for sitting on the potty or for actually going potty. This prize could be one single M&M or a Skittle or a sticker or something else small. Don’t offer a hug as the prize as your child associates your hugs with your love and you’d never want your child to think that your love is conditional on his ability to use the potty.
3-Don’t get visibly angry. I know that often it seems as though your child just peed on your favorite (and probably expensive) rug out of spite. Take a step back, give her the benefit of the doubt, and breathe. This is a nerve-wracking thing! Your child wants to succeed and wants to get this right and desperately wants to please you, but odds are that mistakes will be made. Give your sweet angel the dignity she deserves and try to help her see that while it’s not “OK” that she just peed on the rug, you know she can try again next time. Maybe give her a rag and have her “help” you clean it up. Yes, I know it will probably be about the opposite of helpful to you, but this exercise is for your child, not you. Help her see that she can make things right when she makes mistakes and encourage her to keep trying. If she feels like it is impossible to succeed and there is no way she can be perfect all the time and no way for her to come back from a mistake, what’s stopping her from just giving up? Probably nothing.
4-Create some potty rituals:things you will do each time you go to the potty. Pants off or on the ankle? In the beginning, who will do the wiping? How many pieces of toilet paper is “too much”? Do you want to offer some books for your child to read while you are in the bathroom and he is sitting on the potty? Do you want to listen to a song? We always read The Potty Train by David Hockman and Ruth Kennison. My kids (and I) have memorized it through the years. It is an extremely cute book that helps open up a dialogue between you and your child about going potty. They get excited about the idea of saying, “Goodbye diapers…” Because “you’re growing up.” My baby girl is beginning to potty train now and she requests songs that we sing while she’s sitting there. {This is also an excellent opportunity to teach your little one about hand-washing since hand-washing always comes after using the potty. Yes, it’s exhausting, but so worth it!}
In closing, the best advice I can give you is to follow your mother’s intuition. We’re teaching our children to listen to their bodies and use the potty, right? We can practice what we preach by listening to intuition! I am a firm believer in this gift and know that it is far more valuable than any other piece of advice or magazine article or parenting book. Listen to those impressions that come to your mind—you will then know what your individual child needs and you will know how to teach him. You are your child’s mom for a reason. Don’t feel pressure to do what so-and-so did and don’t set a deadline–every beautiful child on this planet is different, even when they may look similar to one another. Potty training requires extra amounts of deep breaths and the patience of Job. You’ve got this!
If you’ve already survived the potty-training phase of your life, is there anything you would add? Share it in the comments below!
I potty trained 5 kids… 3 girls and 2 boys. Here’s my two cents:
1. Wait until they are ready and THEY want it. They need to show interest and tell you they want to do it. Otherwise it can turn into a power struggle.
2. Different kids are ready at different times. Some of this is based on personality and is beyond your control. One of my girls trained at 18 months and one of my boys was nearly 4. I thought he would never be able to go to kindergarten because he wasn’t consistently using the potty. My daughter was extremely self motivated, observant, and couldn’t stand to have her bottom wet. My son was very laid back (easy baby), didn’t care about wet diapers, and wanted to do his own thing. He understood the process fairly early and had the control, but if he was doing something he liked, he just didn’t care.
3. Base rewards on what your child loves. One of my kids would sit for a long time on the potty as long as I sang to her. We had a “peepee” card (colored index card) that we put a sticker on when she was successful. When she filled it up, she could choose a reward (big girl character panties, ice cream cone, book). One of my sons loved m&ms and me reading while he was sitting. One child would always go if we were out because she liked sitting on different kinds of potties. My nephew on the spectrum would do anything for sparklers and smoke bombs. One of my boys loved aiming at targets or cheerios.
4. Boys might need an example to “get it”. Many husbands are hesitant to be that example. When my boys were young, I made a deal with a friend to have her slightly older toilet trained son come over for a play date, and let my son follow her son to the potty to watch. I gave the boys lots of drinks and let nature take its course. It’s amazing what a little peer pressure can do.
5. Occasionally there might be a medical problem that needs attention. Once my daughter regressed with her training and I was annoyed with her until I discovered she had a urinary tract infection. This same daughter was also diagnosed with a minor urinary reflux problem, where she would empty her bladder but a very small amount of urine would go back up and slowly drip out over time. The doctor said she would grow out of this but she wore small pads in her underwear until she did. Some children train but don’t have complete nighttime control, so they need pull-ups at night.
You’re a rock star, Kathy! I am so glad you shared these!