I have been thinking a lot lately about habits and routines. I recently read the book Deep Work by Cal Newport. Though not the main point of his writing, he talks a bit about the value of making good habits. He quotes Pulitzer Prize-winner Robert Caro as saying, “I trained myself to be organized.” I love that! I wasn’t naturally an organized person and my siblings can all attest to the messiness of my bedroom throughout my childhood (Once our house was broken into and when the police came, they came into the bedroom I shared with my sister and said, “It looks like they really ransacked this room.” I was so embarrassed to admit that it looked like that already.). But through that experience (and many others like it) I learned that clutter and disorganization are frustrating. Looking for things is oh-so frustrating to me. I hate to waste time hunting for something that should have been in a certain place and wasn’t, don’t you? So, if you feel disorganized and think it is just who you are, take heart: you can train yourself to be organized!
Start with something small like your car keys. Choose a “home” for these keys. I have a particular pocket in my purse designated as the pocket for my keys, so as soon as I leave the car, I put my keys back into that pocket. Then when I have to go somewhere, the keys are already in that pocket. Choose the home for your keys and then practice only this one thing for a few weeks. When you are no longer hunting for your keys and have them always where you want them, you are ready to move on to another item in your life. Don’t try to wake up next Monday and “be organized.” That isn’t how it works. When you train for a marathon, or train for a spelling bee, or when your little girl is potty-training, or when you train for anything, you must practice a little at a time until you build yourself up to where you want to be.
In Deep Work, Newport also refers to a 2012 study led by two psychologists Wilhelm Hofmann and Roy Baumeister. They studied adults, recording their feelings at random intervals throughout each day. After one week, the researchers gathered more than 7500 samples and, in short, they found that “people fight desires all day long.”
Newport writes that Roy Baumeister continued his studies and learned another profound truth, this time about our individual willpower:
“You have a finite amount of willpower that becomes depleted as you use it.”
Cal Newport compares willpower to a muscle—it can become tired and worn out after extensive use. This is why habits are so important. Making things we value habitual in our lives helps preserve our willpower for the unexpected. If we are using all our willpower each day just to force ourselves to do the things we know we should be doing anyway, when problems arise or our children fight more than usual or our favorite store has a big sale or a friend calls to gossip, we have no willpower left to react the way we wish we could. But if we have made habits out of those things we value more, we are saving our finite willpower for those hectic times that arise every—single—day.
Personally, this research sheds light on why bedtime is such a hectic and often miserable/challenging/frustrating time for all involved parties! My willpower has been completely used up and my children’s willpower evaporated hours ago and now here we are, all willpower-less trying to coexist and it is a struggle! They know that they should not be running through the house naked playing tag and fighting and climbing walls and throwing water out of the shower and standing on the toilet and squirting toothpaste on the bathroom mirror and yelling and throwing toys down the stairs but they have been going strong all day and their willpower is gone. I know that I shouldn’t get angry because they are just kids and they are learning from my example and they are exhausted, yet my depleted willpower at night prevents me from such logical thinking and often I find myself just trying to muster up one more minute of strength to breath deeply and not completely explode amid all the chaos.
When I was a girl, I ran on a track team for a couple of years. I usually ran the mile at each meet; I even won a few times. One thing that I have always remembered from that time is the idea that I had to set a pace for myself and try to maintain that pace throughout the race, but when the final lap came, it was time to push. I had to push myself as hard as I could and go faster than I realized I could, mustering energy I didn’t realize I still had to win the race.
Now as a mom processing this concept, I realize that I must utilize this skill with my willpower. I need to set a pace throughout the day that will keep my willpower usage at manageable levels so that at the end of the day I will be able to access that reserve of energy and push through any exhaustion I may be feeling. I don’t want to just survive each night. My time with my children is limited. I want to win. I want to walk out of their bedrooms when I turn off the lights and feel success and not regret. I know that challenges arise and no day will be perfect (you hear that perfectionists out there–NO day is perfect!), but I can give it my best and learn from my mistakes and keep working.
Habits are a highly personal thing. The habits I want to have and habits I want to break are likely different from the habits you want and don’t want, so I will not waste our time prescribing what habits you should make or what habits you should break. I will just offer you these thoughts and encourage you to start today with one. Choose a small habit you want to start whether it’s keeping your kitchen sink clean, writing 1000 words per day, reading scripture, running, a workout program like MuTu, using a planner, or something completely different—do it. Start today. Then give yourself grace because you are investing in your future with the work you are putting into today’s habit. Habits don’t form overnight, but they do start with one day. Let’s get started! I’d love to hear about your progress sometime if you want to share. Feel free to leave a comment or email me or message me on Facebook.
By the way, The Mom Conference is coming! I am so excited! This is such a great FREE resource for moms! If you haven’t registered, do it! It is such a fantastic three-day event full of on-demand sessions that are oh-so-relevant. This year they are even adding live Q&A and chat features that will make it even better. Because we’re friends, I don’t want you to miss out! Even if you only take the time to listen to one session a day, it is so worth the time and effort. I’d love to hear what you take away from it! Email me or share on my Facebook page.
Thanks for sharing so much light Alisa! I really enjoy reading your stuff. It makes me feel like if you can do it with your 5 adorable munchkins then I can do it with my 1! Just one little thing, one day at a time. I sometimes get a little too ambitious in setting habits and goals and try to do too many at once so I like the advice to form one habit at a time. I still have about 3 going on right now though haha!
With a little baby I’m finding that I keep forgetting to pray in the mornings and it really throws off my day. So I’m working on saying even a quick little prayer before I leave my room with my baby. I also am working on a habit of reading just a little bit out of the book I’m on each day before I do anything else like get on social media. I end up reading and learning so much more! And the last habit I’ve been forming for the last couple months is working out at least 3 times a week. I have a program I do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and so far it’s working out pretty well! I like working out and have been fairly consistent with it throughout my life but learning to be a mom and working out every single day was too much for me right now. So 3 days is doable:) sorry for the long comment, thanks again for your blog and emails!
Thanks, Catherine! You can totally reach your goals–but one day at a time is the only way. I set myself up for failure with being over-ambitious ALL THE TIME! I think I needed these reminders more than anybody else! I am glad to hear they helped you! You can do it!
Oh dear, just realized I spelled your name wrong! Sorry😉
No worries, Catherine!