Lesson #9–Speak Up
I was 8 years old when my own parents divorced. It was rough. They fought constantly. I remember once asking my mom why they fought so much and my mom in her awesome humility confessed to me. She said that she didn’t speak up about the little things that bothered her, but she let them build up until she got really angry. And then she just exploded. This was powerful to me. I realized how easy that pattern would be and I had seen how damaging it was. With that insight I resolved to never fall into that pattern in my own marriage. I am grateful to my mom for her honesty. It has been such a blessing.
That resolution was not one that came naturally to me, so I have sought advice and insights from many books and articles. One of my favorite books about dealing with emotions instead of suppressing them is The Burnout Cure by Julie de Azevedo Hanks. She talks about how feeling anger is not wrong–everyone feels anger. The problems arise when anger is expressed in unhealthy, abusive ways. I think we often fall into an impossible trap that leads us to believe that we should never feel angry. We waste our time and willpower trying to suppress the anger instead of simply acknowledging its existence and moving on to more productive ways of dealing with and expressing it.
Keep the Little Things Little
This means when your hubby leaves you stranded in the bathroom because he didn’t replace the toilet paper roll, speak up. You don’t have to freak out. It isn’t the end of the world, but if it bugged you, say something. He’ll apologize and hopefully he won’t forget every time (forgive and move on), but he will probably forget (as you will) again at some point in your lives. Don’t compound the problem–these are two separate instances and not an attack against you and your natural need to use the bathroom. If it is a huge deal to you (maybe it brings back some horrific event from your childhood…), find a way to store more t.p. in close proximity so you can avoid any future emergencies. We’ll revisit this example in a minute.
He Doesn’t Have a Crystal Ball
Another important concept Dr. Hanks discusses in her book is the idea that we are responsible for our own happiness. We can’t live our lives expecting our spouses to just know what we want and what will make us happy. If you feel upset in some say, you can–and should–share your feelings in a responsible way with the offender(s), face-to-face. Speaking up is assertive and healthy. Speaking up is not the same as just speaking. Sarcastic comments during dinner are not speaking up.
Accepting responsibility for my own happiness means I do not depend on my husband to use telepathy or psychic powers to know what I want/need. I have to communicate effectively in order to convey those wants/needs to him. This communication gets easier through the years, but it has to start somewhere. Speak up in honesty and humility, without attacking your spouse or dismissing your feelings. If you need a minute or even a day or two for your hormones to level out (we’ve all been there), that is OK. The idea is that you don’t suppress your feelings forever. Commit to speaking up soon, when you can do so civilly.
Don’t Jump to Conclusions
I think one other HUGE part of speaking up is listening. Listen to what is actually being said without jumping to conclusions. Sometimes your mind and heart want to add interpretations to situations that increase their intensity. Returning to our earlier example, if your husband forgets to replace the toilet paper in the bathroom, it could have been because a child came running into the bathroom with scissors and he got distracted trying to confiscate them before any damage was done. If you allow yourself to believe that your husband forgot because he does not care about you and doesn’t think your needs are important, you are causing yourself extra–and very unnecessary–heartache. Let him know–honestly–how his actions (or in this case inaction) affected you.
Look, Listen, Repeat
If your spouse loves you enough to communicate his feelings with you, do not instantly jump to defend yourself. Listen to what he is trying to communicate to you and repeat it back to him to confirm you are understanding correctly. Sometimes repeating the same words helps the other person to hear how it sounds to you. This could be validating to them or it could help them to adjust their statement to make it more accurate. Either way, it is an excellent way to communicate more effectively. Just be sure you are not repeating it with a disrespectful or mocking tone or you will have just made things far worse.
Speaking up is not something that comes naturally to me and I am still working at doing it effectively, but I am trying! I know that this has helped strengthen our marriage. I hope it will help you, too.
Lesson #9: Speak up. It will strengthen your relationship.
What do you do to make sure you SPEAK UP?
If you have missed any of the lessons in the series so far, here they are:
