Lesson #13–Don’t Bash Him
I really don’t like it when people are two-faced. When people are one way in your presence and another way behind your back, it says a lot about their character. It also makes me afraid to open up to people and to ever feel comfortable being myself. When we were first married, we decided that if we were going to spend forever together, we needed to be able to feel comfortable around each other. This meant we’d see each other’s best and worst. In order to do that, we also agreed that we wouldn’t go around behind the other’s back and bash.
Do I think my husband is a perfect person who can do no wrong? No. I don’t pretend that to his face. I don’t expect him to pretend that I am perfect either. But if I have a problem with him, I am going to go to him, not my mom/sister/friends. If he has a problem with me, he’s going to come to me, not run off and tell his mom/sister/friends. Knowing this builds a strong unity between us.
We had seen the effects on relationships around us who had gone out among friends and family members to bash and complain about their spouses. It weakened those couples and they visibly struggled with trusting each other. Some of those relationships didn’t even make it. We don’t want those outcomes.
Lessons Overlap
The agreement to not bash each other goes hand-in-hand with our agreement to speak kindly to each other. We promised each other that we would not go around behind each other’s backs talking negatively about one another. If we did say something negative, we would not keep it a secret but would be sure to tell the other person. I have participated in conversations where women are complaining about their husbands (it happens sometimes when married women get together…) but I have always gone home and told my husband exactly what I said and in what context I said it. It is usually something simple and not embarrassing for him and something I’ve already spoken up about. But I still tell him. Then he never wonders or hears it from a third-party and feels betrayed.
Through the years I have felt like our conversations and our relationship are safe because I know that he will not go off to work and bash me to his friends and co-workers. I am not a naturally trusting person, so I am grateful to feel like I can trust him. I am grateful for the strength that our marriage has gained by maintaining this simple commitment through the years.
Do you have a similar agreement?
We are in the last few days of our 15 Lessons! I hope you have found some sort of takeaway that will bring more joy to your life and to your relationship. If you have missed any of the lessons in the series so far, here they are:
