15 Things We've Learned in 15 Years of Marriage-#11

Lesson #11–Speak Kindly

Early in our marriage we decided that sometimes words and phrases just sounded too harsh. We had spent some time with a family who, while they appeared to be joking around, were so mean to each other. We set a few ground rules to make sure that we never treated each other with such contempt. Three of our “rules” are listed below.

Don’t say “shut up”.

We noticed how uncomfortable we felt when we heard people telling each other to shut up. It was hard to tell if they were angry or joking. It never sounded kind. At first it took conscious effort to eliminate that phrase from our conversations because it was so common. Once we got used to not saying it, I feel like our communication was much more effective.

Avoid name-calling.

There is a thin line between name-calling that is funny and name calling that hurts feelings. We wanted to stay as far away from that thin line as possible. So we decided it would be better to never call each other names. Of course, there are exceptions, like “silly,” or kind words like “handsome” or “beautiful” that we definitely use. But we don’t say, “You jerk!” or “You idiot!” and leave everybody wondering if we really meant it or if we were joking.

Don’t insult each other, even if you’re “just kidding.”

How many times have you been in a conversation with a friend who totally slammed you and then said, “Just Kidding”? I know it’s happened to me more times than I can count. I’ve probably done it just as many times in my life, too. We recognized this awkwardness and decided we did not want that between us. We committed to not insulting each other–even if we are “just kidding.” Let’s face it: there is always at least a grain of truth to those insults. If we want to joke, we’ll joke. Laughing is important. But if we genuinely have a problem with something that is going on, instead of being passive-aggressive and “kidding” about it, we need to speak up.

We were fortunate to put these into action early in our marriage and they have blessed our relationship for the past decade and a half. I have no doubt they will continue to bless our relationship forever. Words are powerful things. The more I consider how I use them with the person I have chosen to love most on the planet, the better our relationship will become. It is definitely worth the effort.

The words of this poem by Joseph L. Townsend illustrate this idea:

Let us oft speak kind words to each other

At home or where’er we may be;

Like the warblings of birds on the heather,

The tones will be welcome and free.

They’ll gladden the heart that’s repining,

Give courage and hope from above,

And where the dark clouds hide the shining,

Let in the bright sunlight of love.

Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live

And sunshine forever impart.

Let us oft speak kind words to each other;